Pretend you are a recovering alcoholic who falls off the wagon while
attending your high school reunion. Start your story with “I hadn’t had a
drink in nearly 10 years” and end it with “If only I could remember
where I left my pants.”
I hadn't had a drink in nearly
10 years, but tonight that was going to change. See, I quit for my wife,
and my kids. When my oldest was born, I put that bottle away and became
the world's best dad. Now, that bitch is divorcing me, taking half my
money, and full custody of the kids. I figure, I'll go to this reunion
tonight, get a little inebriated, and maybe go home with one of my high
school sweethearts. I wonder if Donna Shelley will be there tonight...?
I
walk up to the table set up outside the Oakvale High gymnasium.
Unfortunately for me, I knew both women sitting at the table. They are
gossips, big ones. Better not say anything about the divorce. Without so
much as a smile, I find mine and the soon to be ex's name tags and walk
inside.
Typical 80's prom-type theme; Actually, these
might be the same decorations they used at our Senior Prom. There is a
small three piece band on stage, creating noises that most would not
consider melodic. To the left of the stage is a table put out with food.
As my eyes continue to scour the room, I see it: The open bar.
I
walk up, like I own the damn place. I don't care what people think, I'm
getting shibby tonight! Bartender asks what I'll have. "2 double
Bourbons, neat" "Very good sir" he responds. "Go ahead and put them in
the same glass, and bring a couple of lime wedges". He brings me my
drink, I take a big gulp, and then suck juice from the lime as a backer.
Oh yeah, tonight's going to be a hell of a night.
"Trying
to get somewhere in a hurry, are we?" A beautiful brunette woman
standing next to me chimes in. "What's it to you?" "Oh nothing, I just
figured if you were going to go down that road, maybe you could use a
travel companion". I take another big gulp and a lime backer. "Oh yeah,
where you trying to get to?" "How about the equipment closet, 10
minutes?" She speaks seductively. "Straight and to the point, I like
it." She starts to walk off, but spins around to say "Bring a couple
more of those with you" pointing to my drink as I take another gulp.
Damn, she's smoking hot!
I get the drinks as the band stops
playing. Susie Hempstat makes her way to the stage, as she is the
coordinator of the event. No surprise really, Hempstat was on the prom
planning committee, and the homecoming. I think she is actually a party
planner now.
"Hello, and welcome to the class of '83!"
The gymnasium erupts in applause. "We are so glad to have everyone here,
we will be having fun activities throughout the night, including some
superlative awards! Now there are voting ballots in the back, and voting is about to close so make your way over...".
A
guy next to me mentions his wife dragged him along. He asks me where my
old ball and chain is. "Ain't got one anymore". He tries to continue
our conversation, but to no avail. I start to drown it all out and
think about my brunette booty call. I definitely need to make my way
to the equipment closet. I put the drinks down for a second to check my
pockets. Condom? Check. Breath Spray? I take it out and use it. Check. I
grab the drinks and go.
"Traveled the furthest, James
Tratnow!" I see the closet, and quickly slip inside. There she is, tall
brunette lady in her revealing strapless cocktail dress. "Give me that,
and take those off" I hand her drink to her, and I undo my pants. She
downs the Bourbon (4 shot equivalent), and hikes her dress up to reveal
no undergarments. I gulp on mine, and lunge in for the passionate
canoodling that is to ensue.
I throw her against the
wall. "Most changed, Donna/Donald Shelley!" Geez, I'm glad I didn't
pursue that. She scratches my chest. "Best dressed, Richie Tomlin!" I
knock over a trashcan and bend her over it, coming from behind. "Most
eligible bachelorette, Cindy Dawson!" She bites my neck and lets out a
small moan of ecstasy. "Most eligible bachelor...Scott Wayne!"
I can hear them calling my name with a wave of applause. I stop. They want me on stage, now if only I could remember
where I left my pants....
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